I smell Phish

Men, stop shaving your face. Women, stop shaving your armpits (and legs). Children, stay away from mom and dad's brownies...Phish is coming to town. The countdown is on. Less than 2 weeks before grown men and women reeking of patchouli oil and butt sweat, congregate in hippie towns across the U.S.. They will be dancing as though their arms are 2 foot long pasta noodles, eyes closed and a grin that says "this bandana is way too tight, and so are my clothes, I need to be naked".

It's amazing that a band all about peace and love can generate such hostility from non-followers. Their cult like following is the target of so many sarcastic comments, like mine above and the poster below...













There are some bands that everyone must see once in their lifetime, and Phish is one of those bands. Whether you like the music or just want to see people of all ages and occupations lose their minds (and often pride) for one day, it will be well worth the price of admission. Mushrooms, weed and laser light shows are the winning combination for some of the best people watching you'll see in your lifetime.
















Some other things you're sure to see at a Phish show are; signs requesting songs, white guys that can jam but can't dance, and JAY-Z rapping with the band?? Jay-Z has 99 problems but a Phish ain't one.

So gas up the Volkswagen van and head for Berkeley. The first show is less than 2 weeks away. If you don't get a chance to shower between now and then, no worries, this year's Phish tour will be sponsored by Lever 2000 and Febreze.

Eva Kneivel

Naked woman steals car, escapes police, steals cop car, gets tasered

The Salt Lake Tribune

Updated Jun 23, 2010 03:20PM

Two car chases, a totaled police cruiser and an extended foot pursuit of a naked woman through sagebrush finally ended with a Taser being used to subdue her.

No, it was not a typical call for the West Valley Police Department.

“A man was outside his vehicle on [State Road] 111 putting up home business signs when this woman pulled up next to him, got out of her vehicle, naked, and stole his car and drove off,” said West Valley City police Capt. Tom McLachlan.

Initially, the report was filed with police in neighboring West Jordan at about 5 a.m. Tuesday.

The man called 911, hopped behind the wheel of the woman’s abandoned car and gave chase, northbound on State Road 111 and into West Valley City. She left the highway and veered onto a dirt road leading into a field owned by Alliant Technologies, got stuck and then fled on foot into the brush.

West Valley police, assisted by Alliant security, scoured the rugged sagebrush and grasslands for their suspect, described as 5-foot-5, 120 to 130 pounds, thin and with reddish-brown hair.

“Of course, there was no clothing description available,” McLachlan said.

A West Valley officer soon spotted the woman hiding behind a bush, and as he approached, a second officer arrived in his squad car. She refused to surrender, and as the officers moved in she broke away — and hopped behind the wheel of the cruiser, speeding away in a cloud of dust and dragging the officers a short distance before they let go.

Neither officer was seriously hurt and the chase resumed, with the woman driving the police car through a fence gate and then hitting a dirt berm when she missed a curve. “She was airborne about 50 feet before crashing into another berm,” McLachlan said.

The woman, slightly bloodied, fled the ruined squad car and streaked into the weeds again, chased on foot by the two officers.

When she tried to double back toward the highway, at one point wriggling through a barbed wire fence, other officers were waiting for her.

“She was not obeying commands to stop, cease and desist, anything,” McLachlan said, adding an officer finally stunned her with his Taser when the woman appeared to be making another break.

-Finally, a schmuck promoting a home based business is the one getting ripped off. Let me guess, your making so much money working from home that you've decided to post signs along the freeway in B.F.E. to help others join your circle of wealth. I'll bet she earns more making license plates in the clink.

-Police got a chance to test the new model NPL3000 Taser gun. This gun was designed specifically for female suspects. It shoots two nipple clamps packed with 3000 volts of electricity. They were very happy with the performance until the naked suspect shit herself and they had to clean her up.

-Driving a car naked, and going airborne for 50 feet? Is she Evel Knievel's slutty niece?

-After all this she got out of the car and ran off, only to climb a barbed wire fence? Lady, do you know how much money you could be making as a coyote, helping Mexicans cross the border?

Peak - a - BOOBS

Proof once again that everything should come with instructions.

Maybe she's a fan of Kriss Kross and wears her jeans and bathing suits backwards.

Good thing it's not a G-string or we may have a moose knuckle sighting.

She's probably thinking "Oh damn my titties fell out again, but they look pretty good all pressed up together. Maybe I'll leave it and see if anyone notices."

You better throw some sunscreen on those bad boys honey, you don't want to burn your chesticles.

One Eyed Pickle Hunter

Repeat Offender Gets Life in Jail After Mississippi Bra Theft

Published June 25, 2010

| FOXNews.com

MyFoxMemphis.com

June 23: Darnell Wilson was arrested after shoplifting bras from a Mississippi store.

The theft of bras from a local department store was enough for a judge in Mississippi to put a habitual criminal from a neighboring state behind bars -- for life, MyFoxMemphis.com reported.

Miss. police were called after a Kohl’s store employee caught Darnell Wilson stuffing clothes into a garbage bag. Wilson reportedly said the stolen clothes, including bras, were going to be used for his job in Memphis.

"He explained that he was a prostitute – a transvestite prostitute," said Desoto County District Attorney Smithe Murphey.

This wasn’t Wilson’s first run-in with the law. He has a long criminal history, including 18 arrests involving charges for aggravated robbery, kidnapping, and sexual battery in Tennessee, MyFoxMemphis reported.

Murphey used Mississippi’s strict habitual offender law, which allows prosecutors to combine Mississippi felony arrests with those in other states to define the accused as a habitual offender, to put Wilson behind bars for three consecutive life sentences.

"Each community sets their standards," said Murphey. "And we have standards that we're not going to tolerate 18 time convicted felons to keep walking around without any repercussions."

Wilson had led police in a car chase following the Kohl’s theft. They had to use spike strips to blow out his car tires in order to stop and arrest him.

-He looks like a taller version of the midget from The Ghetto Boys...Bushwick Bill?

-Hey you toothless, drunk, horny old men in Mississippi...what's the going rate for a one-eyed tranny with receding corn rows?

-Wait until the boys at the Mississippi prison find out why he's serving 3 life terms. Stealing bras at Kohl's. Talk about being someone's little bitch, but maybe that was his plan from the beginning. Begs the question...is this punishment or a reward for Darnell?

-It's scary to think there's hooker buying pervs out there that probably think Darnell is just a really ugly bitch, until he can no longer keep his junk tucked. Talk about a shitty surprise. I wonder how many guys out there have hooked up with a tranny and never knew. Then there's those that were probably past the point of no return and just rolled with it..... ewww.....I just threw up in my mouth.

-Pirates are in. Put a parrot on his shoulder and cast him in a pirate porn. Pirates of the Caribbean IV... One Eyed Tranny and His Black Clam...Starring Orlando Poon.

People Watching

One of my favorite past times is people watching (P.W.) and Summer is the season for some of the finest people watching our country has to offer. It's the rawest form of reality TV. Some of my favorite places to P.W. are beach boardwalks, amusement parks and the gym. I go to the gym to watch Sportscenter and laugh at all the turbos, not to pop zits on my back and stare at myself in a mirror while curling. Sometimes I people watch just to remind myself that I am normal. Sometimes I people watch with dark glasses on so the people (a.k.a. cougars and young nuggets) I'm watching can't tell I'm looking at them. This is also know as stalking. The Holy Grail of people watching is a window seat at a bar near a major walkway. This can quickly turn interactive as the heckling is sure to follow my 4th glass of whiskey. Considering the amount of time I spend people watching (OK drinking) I figured I should share some of the amazing things I witness with you. Each week I will post a list of all the amazing things I see for you to envision and enjoy.

Here's a quick preview...
Yesterday I saw an overweight Pakistani man wearing a Tapout hat. Not sure what's better, seeing an overweight middle eastern guy or the fact that this beer bellied, middle eastern gangster, rocks a flat bill. Maybe he didn't even know what the bill was. After all, this is probably the first hat he's ever owned with a bill. Turbans don't have bills. The kicker was his wife and her Def Leppard beanie.

Keep an eye out for my weekly PWPs (People Watching Posts) in the weeks to come.

Ya Fired!

Utah Death Row Inmate Who Requested Execution by Firing Squad Appeals to Supreme Court to Stay Sentence

Published June 15, 2010

AP

June 10: Ronnie Lee Gardner is sworn in before speaking at his commutation hearing at the Utah State Prison in Draper, Utah.

SALT LAKE CITY — A Utah death row inmate who specifically requested execution by firing squad now is appealing to the Supreme Court to stay the sentence, scheduled to be carried out on Friday.

Gardner, 49, was sentenced to death for a 1985 capital murder conviction stemming from the fatal courthouse shooting of attorney Michael Burdell during an escape attempt. Gardner was at the court because he faced a murder charge in the shooting death of bartender Melvyn Otterstrom.

Utah Assistant Attorney General Thomas Brunker said the state will oppose any further delays of the execution.

All things considered, Gardner is holding up pretty well, his attorney (Andrew Parnes) said Tuesday.

"He is handling this as well as can be expected. ... He's in good spirits given the situation," Parnes said.

-If you would like to set a world record for T.V. ratings, here are my suggestions

1. Broadcast the event live on Pay-per-view

2. Have a celebrity firing squad. Below are some perfect candidates...

-O.J. Simpson

-Val Kilmer (dressed as Doc Holiday in Tombstone)

-Donald Trump yelling "hey Ronnie, ya fired" before each shot

-Lil Wayne

-Betty White with an AK-47 and bullets draped across her chest like Rambo.

3. Set it up like a carnival. Place ceramic cups and targets all over his body with points awarded for each target hit.

Wiggin out

Justin Bieber….Teen heart throb….R&B Sensation…… Every barbers nightmare. Where do his sideburns start and end? Are his eyebrows connected to his bangs? Is he the love child of Lloyd Christmas and Ellen DeGeneres?

The fact of the matter is millions of teens, mothers and gay men will flock to stadiums and arenas around the country this summer to watch this little hair-pie perform.

It started with New Kids on the Block and Snow. White boys with zero rhythm that confirmed the theory that white men can’t dance (or jump). Since then Eminem and Justin Timberlake have been accepted into the hip-hop world and salvaged the idea that some white people do have rhythm. Justin, don’t reverse the last 5 years of progress. If you mess this one up we will tell everyone your Canadian and not officially one of us, so it doesn’t count.

Enjoy the ride you little wigger, cause as soon as you hit puberty and your testes drop, all the love will come to a screeching (no pun intended) hault. We will trade you back to Canada for a case of maple syrup and a sixer of Labatt's Blue, before you can say "what's that all aboot?"

Spell Check + Google = Spelling Bee Loser

So I'm a big believer in spell check. I use it all the time to make sure people don't think I once rode the short bus to school. I'm also a huge fan of Google. After all they are hosting this blog for free and are about 6 months away from taking over the world...........BUT, I think I finally found a flaw in both. And it's much more fundamental than one would think. I was sending an e-mail from my gmail account when I noticed that the word gmail (in the body of my e-mail) had a perforated red line beneath it. What's better is the word gmail in this post also has that same red underline beneath it. For those of you who are wondering what the hell I'm talking about, that red perforated line is spell check notifying you that you can't spell. Google, get with Mr. Spellcheck and let him know that Gmail is now officially a word. While you're at it, call Mr. Webster and have him enter the word Gmail into his over-sized dictionary. Mr. Wikipedia knows what's up. He has a full page on gmail and no perforated red lines.

gmail, Gmail, g-mail, G-mail, Geemail, geemail, gangster-mail

I WIN! Suck it Google!

Throw back-side

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the rivalry between the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics? A rich history of great basketball? Maybe. Magic versus Bird? Sure. Championship rings and parades? Absolutely. But for me there are 3 totally different images that come to mind.......

Butt-hugger shorts, tube socks and the NBA's greatest ever mullet and mustache combo. Can you imagine today's players driving down the lane in Daisy Duke shorts? Scary thought. Even scarier to think of Lebron out on a fast break, soaring through the air in a Jordan-esque spread eagle pose for a dunk. Nike's slogan for Lebron James is "I am a Witness". Sorry Lebron, but I would prefer not to witness you mid air with your Alabama Black Snake peaking out of the bottom of your shorts.

I have a suggestion for David Stern and the NBA. If you need some help with the female and gay demographics, have teams wear TRUE throw back uniforms a couple times each year. You can have each player come out of the tunnel to "It's raining men" led by a shirtless Reggie Miller with his sun around the belly tattoo (see "Time to Do Work Sun" post below).

Sorry. This post just took a turn for the worse. Time to move on.....

Phil er' up

Child Caught Drinking Out of Beer Bottle at Phillies Game

Published June 08, 2010

MyFoxPhilly.com

June 6: Young child caught on camera drinking out of a beer bottle at a Philadelphia Phillies game.

A young child was caught on camera drinking from a beer bottle at a Philadelphia Phillies baseball game Sunday, MyFoxPhilly.com reported.

Video of the unidentified child surfaced on Monday after the Phillies lost to the Padres on Sunday.

In two video shots taken from an official game broadcast, the blonde child is seen with a plastic beer bottle in his right hand, drinking from the bottle.

The child appears to be between three and four years old, and is also wearing a white Phillies home jersey.

Once the clips leaked out on the Internet, it set off another round of Phillies – and Philadelphia – bashing.

“Phillies fans are an illustrious bunch. In the past year, they have vomited, prostituted and been Tasered. Now it appears that childhood drinking can be added to the list,” said the Huffington Post blog.

“Drinking beers at 4-years-old, forced vomiting on people by age 21. Who would allow a toddler to drink a beer, at $9 a bottle, I’m keeping that beer to myself,” said another blogger on Ted Williams Head.com.

The latest incident at the Phillies home ball park comes after two nationally publicized confrontations, where one fan vomited on six people, while another fan had to be Tasered by Philadelphia police on camera.

-Nice form

-How irresponsible can you be as a parent? Get the kid a bib.

-He's going to get a sunburn. He needs a hat. Preferably a Phillies hard hat with a beer bottle on each side and straws going down to his mouth.

-Little man was spotted at Scores Gentleman's Club after the game. He was dumping his piggy bank on stage and yelling "I'm making it rain bitches".

Pale is the new Tan

As an Irish-American I'm glad to see the cast of Twilight is bringing back pale. Actually I'm not sure that pale was ever in, but it seems to finally be making a name for itself, and one that isn't only associated with carrot top and the tourist from Wisconsin who ends up looking like a walking radish after his first day in Hawaii.


Sorry Wisconsin. If it's any constellation, I was unable to participate in a couples massage with my dark skinned counterpart on day 2 of a recent trip to Maui. She told me to "wear something a little stronger than SPF15" on our first day that consisted of 11 Mai Tai's and 6 straight hours in the sun. My response....I'm the king of the Irish Tan (a slight burn that turns into a tan 2 days later). Call me crazy, but a massage with hot lava rocks didn't sound good to a red skinned leprechaun.

Sorry for the side story, my combination of A.D.D. and Jameson rocks just kicked in. Back to Eclipse. With the official Hollywood premiere of Eclipse slated for June 24th, it's perfectly timed to help get me through another summer of lathering myself up in SPF 50 (AKA Primer) without the usual embarrassment.

This post is merely a thank you to the cast for not allowing the cast of The Jersey Shore to put us through another summer of shaved chests, spray tanning and enough hair gel to kill a small family.

CHEERS.... you pasty gangsters....CHEERS

Time to Do Work SUN

In recognition of the NBA Finals I would like to nominate a former NBA player and current broadcaster to the list of worst tattoos ever (Ink that Stinks).

This tattoo is the male equivalent of a tramp stamp. It's bad enough it's around your belly, but a sun? I hear he's a fan of Rob & Big. Maybe he got this tattoo so he can look down when he wakes up in the morning and say "It's Time to Do Work Sun."

I know Reggie has a home near the beach in Malibu, where this photo was taken. I picture him cruising down the coast, shirtless, top down on his convertible PT Cruiser, blasting Cheryl Crow..."I'm gonna soak up the sun". Not sure what's worse, your tat or the limp wristed walk like an Egyptian strut in this picture.

Reggie's sister, Cheryl Miller, is also a former pro basketball player and current NBA broadcaster, but she has always been a little more manly than Reggie. Actually, she's a little more manly than most men. I wonder if she has a tattoo across her upper back of a hawk carrying a dead pig.

In the event you have decided you must have a tattoo in the area around your belly button, I would like to offer up some ideas for some less feminine designs that would work perfectly in that space.

1. A picture of your sister
2. Elmo
3. The word "MoM" with your belly button as the "o"
4. Baby Garter snake
5. Uranus

Better yet, just put in a belly button ring with a solar powered blinking light that is only on during the daytime.

I really hope you look at this list and it hits you that your tattoo is even gayer than number 1-5

Sweet Jesus Reggie! It's time to man up. As a member of the Ink that Stinks club, I am offering to pay for the laser removal of your tattoo. If you decide you can't live without your tat, then my offer will change to a new tattoo of a bull's eye around your ass.

Turd Burglar

Wisconsin man accused of trying to steal dirty diapers gets 30 months probation

Published June 05, 2010

| Associated Press

STEVENS POINT, Wis. (AP) — An Amherst man accused of trying to steal dirty diapers from a home has been sentenced to 30 months of probation. Dillon Makuski, 20, was convicted of possession of burglary tools. The Stevens Point Journal reports Makuski also must serve 200 hours of community service and undergo a psycho-sexual examination.

Makuski was detained by the homeowner after entering an Amherst home last September. A Portage County sheriff's deputy found six dirty diapers in Makuski's pockets.

The complaint said Makuski entered the house because he likes to wear diapers and thought there might be some in the house.

According to the complaint, when asked whether he intended to steal dirty diapers, Makuski said "yes."

-Stealing dirty diapers? Man, that's a shitty thing to do.

-This story raises a hole mess of questions (get it "hole mess")

1. Why would the homeowner complain? Isn't he doing you a favor by getting the stink out of your house?

2. How does a 20 year old fit into a diaper?

3. Why does this stuff only happen in the mid-west?

4. (a question from my Ugandan friend in the video below) Does he eat the poo poo?

-Before I forget, the last line in this story is journalism at it's finest.

This little piggy scares me

Conn. Officer Arrested in Genitals Photo Case

Published June 03, 2010

| Associated Press

STAMFORD, Conn. -- A Connecticut police officer has been arrested on a misdemeanor charge for allegedly showing a female motorist a cell phone picture of his genitals during a traffic stop.

Stamford Officer Paul Mabey, who was named the city's "Officer of the Year" in 2006, was charged with disorderly conduct Wednesday and released on a promise to appear in Superior Court at a later date. He was suspended with pay on Friday.

Police say a 26-year-old Norwalk woman came forward last week with allegations that Mabey made inappropriate passes at her and showed her the cell phone picture during a traffic stop on May 26.

The 40-year-old Mabey couldn't be reached for comment Thursday. There's no phone listing for him. The 14-year police veteran is married with a baby.

-This is confusing, so the pig showed her his hog?

-The woman did not know what the picture was until the officer asked if she wanted to come to his car and use his doughnuts to play ring toss.

-What I would pay for the audio of that conversation...."Maam you just blew through that stop sign back there, and now it's time to blow me, but first I'm going to show you a picture of my night stick. I'm going to need to see your license, registration and the junk in your trunk."

PooGanda

It's amazing how an accent can make you sound so intelligent even when discussing "eating da poo poo like ice cream".

The Sac is Half Full

Teenager Has Testicle Amputated After 'Tapping' Game

Friday, May 28, 2010

A Minnesota teenager had to have his testicle amputated after being punched in the groin by a classmate, KARE11.com reported Friday.

David Gibbons, 14, was changing classes in his Crosby, Minn. high school when he was attacked by another student playing a game called “sack tapping.”

David’s mother, Christy Gibbons, said it wasn’t until hours later that they realized something was wrong.

"One o'clock in the morning he woke me up and told me he was in excruciating pain," she said.

David was taken to St. Joseph's Hospital in Brainerd, Minn. where surgeons removed his right testicle.

And David is not the only student who has suffered the consequences of the “sack tapping” game.

"It's just gotten way out of control," said Dr. Scott Wheeler, a urologist in Brainerd, Minn. who says he performs three to four surgeries a year on boys with ruptured testicles and other complications as a result of “sack tapping.”

"All parents, you need to have this talk with your kids not to do it. It's lost its humor. It's not a game anymore. People get hurt," he added.

-Poor bastard, this is probably the first time he's ever busted a nut.

-Hey kid look at the bright side....when you finally lose your virginity, it will take you twice as long to bust a nut. Instead of 4 seconds you will now last 8 and be the man on campus. You will also be able to save money by purchasing smaller underwear, jockstraps and cups.....AND that girl in Science class with the really small mouth and braces is now easier to teabag.

-What will your nickname be at school....Twig and Berry? One ball wonder? Half-Sac? Just be glad your name isn't 2pac. He was shot in the groin and ended up with one nut.....1pac.

-You keep good company. You've joined a prestigous club that boasts the world's best athlete, the world's best rapper and the world's strongest man. Lance Armstrong, Tupac Shakur and Arnold Schwarzenegger....Unicycle, Uniballer and the beefcake who wore a Unitard. So don't look at it as though your sac is half empty....cause it is half full my friend.

Break yo self, Hands off my Sizzler coupons

80-Year-Old Chicago Man Kills Armed Home Invader

Published May 26, 2010

| FOXNews.com

n 80-year-old Chicago man shot and killed an armed man who broke into his two-story house in a pre-dawn home invasion Wednesday on the city's West Side.

At about 5:20 a.m., the homeowner and his wife, also in her 80s, discovered the intruder entering their home through a back door. The homeowner, who had a gun, confronted and killed the burglar on the doorstep, police said. Cops said the intruder also fired his gun during the struggle.

"It's a good thing they had a gun, or they might be dead," said Curtis Thompson, who lives next door to the couple, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

Neighbors described the elderly couple, who both walk with canes, as pillars of the community in Garfield Park, where home invasions have been all too frequent.

Their neighbor, Shaquite Johnson, told MyFoxChicago that the two are "heroes" for fighting off the attacker — and that the shooting means there is "one less criminal" walking the streets.
"They don't bother no one, so why would anyone do that to them?" she said.

-That's pretty OG to have a cane in one hand and a gun in the other.

-The intruder had a gun too?....How worthless of a burglar can you be to get outdrawn by an 80 year old man with a cane. Old man probably had to pop in his teeth, reach into the waist-band of his depends, pull out his gun and get his arthritic fingers to squeeze hard enough to pull the trigger....and he still got his shot off before you.

Jacked-pot

Pa. man who had banned himself from casino hits $2,001 jackpot, but must forfeit it

Associated Press

ERIE, Pa. (AP) — A Pennsylvania man who won a $2,001 slot machine jackpot must forfeit the winnings and will be charged with trespassing, because he had previously banned himself from casinos under a state program for problem gamblers.

State police have not identified the 55-year-old Waterford Township man who won the jackpot Friday at Erie's Presque Isle Downs & Casino.

Under the Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board's self-exclusion program, problem gamblers can choose to ban themselves from casinos for one year, five years or for life. Banned players are charged with criminal trespass if they enter a casino and must forfeit any winnings. The money goes to a compulsive and problem gambler treatment fund.

-We are all guilty of this so don't judge. Here's why.....

Every Sunday I wake up feeling like I have been tackled by Lawrence Taylor and my breath smells like I've been eating out of the cat box. I look down to find I'm still wearing my jeans, wallet still in the back pocket and I've been sweating so hard I think I pissed the bed. It's called a hangover, or in my case Sunday. I swear off drinking forever......OK at least until Thursday. Then my friends show up with a case of beer and a breakfast burrito. Of course I saddle up. The difference between me and the poor bastard who won the jackpot is that nobody comes running into my house to steal my beer because I swore it off just minutes earlier.

Is that you?

Tell me the guy on the left with the salad bowl on his head is not Lebron James...

Maybe if you spent less time letting your boy play the arm guitar your team would be in the NBA Finals.

A challenge to Disneyland

"It's a Small World" originated with the 1964 New York World's Fair. After the fair closed, the ride was transferred to Disneyland and officially opened in 1966. The ride features 400 brightly costumed audio-animatronic dolls in the style of children of the world, frolicking in a spirit of international unity, and singing the ride's title track, which has a theme of global peace. 44 years later here we are. Same old ride but a whole new world that begs the question where's the updated "It's an F'd up world" ride located in Disneyland Walt?

Please allow me to update your Small World ride with a more realistic picture of just how small the world we live in today really is. I have outlined below the changes that need to be made to several of the scenes. I've also included a modified version of the song. Enjoy.

Suggestion #1....Mexico- I think it's fairly obvious that the women in this scene are far too skinny to be realistic. The men are not dealing cocaine and the dogs are not stray. I didn't see one donkey, a cockfight or a runny nosed child trying to sell me "Cheek-Lay". You couldn't have missed this one by more if you switched it with Pakistan. At least then they would have mustaches. Please put the USA and Mexico adjacent to each other. Have a scene depicting men, women and children jumping a large fence with border patrol chasing them in SUVs. You should allow a couple of them to make it over the fence to the USA scene where they can be shown mowing lawns of wealthy families and selling oranges near major freeway onramps.

Suggestion #2....Ireland- Come to think of it I don't remember seeing Ireland, but if I did they definitely were not sitting in barstools or throwing up behind the local pub. That has to change ASAP. You should also include a scene with a drunken leprechaun with his pants at his ankles and drinking a Guiness while giving it to a sheep.

Suggestion #3...Thailand- This scene should have a 3:1 White man to Thai woman ratio. You can show dirty white men getting $3 massages, looking for 13 year old girls and getting sucked off by trannys.

Suggestion #4....Africa- This scene will be divided into two sections, land and water. On the land the tallest men will be playing basketball in loin cloths in hopes that they will be discovered by the white man. The other African men will be shooting guns in the air and looking for diamonds. In the water scene a group of little somalian pirates will spot us, jump into an inflatable boat and head out towards us in attempt to board our boat.


I understand that we are in a recession and spending money to update this ride may not be in the cards so I will offer one less expensive, quick fix option. Pass out a joint and glock to each person over the age of 9 as they board their vessel on this miserable excursion. As we pass each country you can hand out a snack that's indegenous to that region as well as the national beer or liquor of that country. Targets can be placed on each little person for us to shoot at and receive points to be totaled at the end of the ride. The person with the highest point total will receive a bottle of Jack Daniels and a job with the LAPD. By the end of the ride you can have a mini us coast guard boat come in through the exit tunnel and hand out life preservers and save us drunken stoned tourists from drowning.


New Song

It's a cold world after all, It's a cold world after all, It's a cold world after all
It's a cold....hard.... world.

It's a world of sex and a world of drugs
A world of terrorists and big black thugs

There's so much to fear
that we drink lots of beer
I think the end is near

It's a cold world after all, It's a cold world after all, It's a cold world after all
It's a cold....hard.... world.

It's a world of greed and a world of porn
Where every 3 seconds another mexican is born
There's too many religions to keep track
Our president is black
It's time to drop a bomb on Iraq

Absolut Abduction

Russian Governor Claims He Was Abducted by Aliens

The governor of a Russian republic and former president of the World Chess Federation told a TV station that he had been abducted by aliens, who communicated with him telepathically.

The Russian government apparently believes him.

Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, the governor of Kalmykia, told a popular Russian television host that the aliens came for him in his apartment on September 18, 1997. According to a report on ABC News, Ilyumzhinov said that the aliens didn’t make themselves known to the rest of the world because they weren’t ready, adding that he communicated with them telepathically because there wasn’t enough oxygen.

“I believe I talked to them and saw them. I perhaps wouldn’t believe it if it wasn’t for 3 witnesses -- my driver, my minister and my assistant,” who were apparently in the apartment at the time, he reportedly said.

According to a report on Russian news website GZT.ru, State Duma deputy Andrei Lebedev doesn’t believe that the governor was simply shown around the alien spaceship and released. Lebedev wants to find out what else happened to the president -- and he wants Russian president Dmitry Medvedev to interrogate the abductee.

Russian officials fear Ilyumzhinov may have given the aliens “secret information,” according to the Echo of Moscow radio station.

-I'm confused. This guy is Asian. Was he drinking vodka or sake at the time of the abduction? More importantly...How were the aliens able to telepathically penetrate that force field hair-helmet he's wearing?

Happy Seis De Mayo! ASS-CLOWN

Gangster of Love

College Coed Shot for Refusing to Give Man Her Phone Number

FOXNews.com

A Washington, D.C., college student claims she was shot by a man for refusing to give him her phone number, MyFoxDC.com reports.

The woman, whose identity has not been released, reportedly told police that she was leaving a party in southeast Washington early Sunday when the man approached her and asked for her phone number.

"He told my cousin he was going to shoot at us if I didn't give him my number and then he started shooting," the woman reportedly told authorities.

The student was struck by a bullet in her ankle, the station reports, and surgeons are deciding how to remove it.

-Bo Gustar has just received the exclusive video footage from the above referenced incident. Please see the first 1 minute and 20 seconds of the video below.

Yo Momma Been Shoppin

The Bollywood Diet

Holy Man Claims to Have Lived Without Food, Water for 70 Years
Thursday, April 29, 2010

Indian doctors are studying an 83-year-old holy man who claims to have spent the last seven decades without food and water.

Military doctors hope the experiments on Prahlad Jani can help soldiers develop their survival strategies.

The long-haired and bearded yogi is under 24-hour observation by a team of 30 specialists during three weeks of tests at a hospital in the western Indian city of Ahmedabad.

Two cameras have been set up in his room, while a mobile camera

films him when he goes outside, guaranteeing round-the-clock observation.

His body will be scanned and his brain and heart activity measured with electrodes.

"The observation from this study may throw light on human survival without food and water," said Dr. G. Ilavazahagan, who is directing the research. "This may help in working out strategies for survival during natural calamities, extreme stressful conditions and extra-terrestrial explorations like future missions to the Moon and Mars by the human race."

Since the experiment began on April 22, Jani has had no food or water and has not been to the toilet.

"The exercise of taking this yogi under the medical scanner is to understand what energy

supports his existence," Ilavazahagan added. "Jani says he meditates to get energy. Our soldiers will not be able to meditate, but we would still like to find out more about the man and his body."

Jani, who dresses in red and wears a nose ring, grew up in Charod village in the Mehsana district in Gujarat.

He claims to have been blessed by a goddess when he was 8-years-old, which has enabled him to survive without sustenance.

-He looks like the lovechild of Osama bin Laden and Mrs. Claus

-Judging by the picture, it looks like Subway already got a hold of this guy. I think he's trying to order a 5 Dollar foot-long.

-Speaking of foot-longs, American doctors are conducting their own study of an 84 year old man who's lived off nothing but scotch and viagra for 23 years......his name is Hugh Hefner.

-No crapper for 7 days, this guy is full of shit.

-Here in America we call that the Hollywood diet. Mix in some cocaine and you have the Lohan diet.

-He was "blessed by a goddess when he was 8- years-old"? Does that mean she made his snake dance? What a pimp. At 8 years old, I was still rockin my Scooby-Doo underoos.

Poopsy Daisy

5-Minute Colon Cancer Test Could Save Thousands

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A five-minute colon cancer test could reduce the number of deaths from the disease by about 40 percent, a new study says.

British researchers followed more than 170,000 people for about 11 years. Of those, more than 40,000 had a "flexi-scope" test, an exam that removes polyps, small growths that could become cancerous.

The test involves having a pen-sized tube inserted into the colon so doctors can identify and remove small polyps. Researchers used the test on people in their 50s. In the U.K., government-funded colon cancer screening doesn't start until age 60.

-I'll take a pen-sized tube over docs fingers in the 2-hole any day of the week.

-Which makes me wonder...do gay men actually like their colon screening? Maybe they would prefer docs fingers over the smaller tube. I wonder if they look at their colon screening the same way hetero men look at going to a sperm bank.

Show us your Brits

Paris Hilton's British Best Friend

Why she's so popular, she doesn't need any more friends. But that isn't stopping socialite Paris Hilton from hosting this eight-episode series in which she picks her new British ``BFF'' from among a cast of 11 women and one man.

-Paris, do us all a favor and introduce them to the sonic care toothbrush.....and a tanning booth.

-Hey D-bags from Sunset Tan, now is your chance for a comeback. You can go over with Paris and help turn the Brits orange just like you did half of L.A.

-Just once can the one male competing not be a pickle hunter. I want to see some normal guy that is just trying to bang Paris the entire show. Or at least an Asian midget or something.

-Paris can you please also teach them how to groom. No one wants to see pale white legs with a huge winter bush at the top. Looks like they have buckwheat in a leg-lock.

Time to clean up shop

Free Tools (Orange County)

---

Date: 2010-04-27, 8:09PM PDT
Reply to: sale-w4ch6-1713848538@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

Looking for Tools? They are all over Orange County. Please come pick them up free of charge. They can be easily spotted by their spikey hair, orange skin and raised truck with nautical star stickers. In the event you are blind, you will still be able to spot them by the sound of their mating call...."Yo girl come spend the night with me and my mom will cook you breakfast tomorrow" or "I don't have a job, I'm training to fight in the UFC".

If they don't respond to "tool" you can try calling them by one of their other names..."D-bag", "Beefcake", "Donkey" or "Turbo".

Please come to Orange County and pick them up. You will need about 10 sixteen wheelers. They should be easy to lure towards the truck. Tell them you are not their to repo their c-class mercedes, you are starting a new mortgage company.

• Location: Orange County
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1713848538

My little pony

Pint-Sized Pinto Born in New Hampshire May Be World's Smallest Horse

FOXNews.com

A diminutive horse born in New Hampshire could lay claim to the world record for lightweight foal.

The Union Leader reported Monday that the miniature stallion, named Einstein, weighed just 6 pounds and measured 14 inches in height when he was born Friday in Barnstead, N.H.

Those proportions fit a human baby just about right but are downright tiny for a horse, even a miniature breed like Einstein.

-In other news Verne Troyer has just entered this weekends Kentucky Derby.

-What are the odds on Verne getting drunk, taking off his clothes and pissing on the horse?

-They are still deciding whether to enter the horse into the race under the name "midget missile" or "min-e biscuit".

Birthday Present - orange pajamas

My rap sheet down at city hall in my college town is similar to the guy in a full body cast because he fell off the couch. At least the guy in the body cast can lie and make it sound cool. "I was towed into a 30 foot wave at the banzai pipeline when the barrel closed and crushed me" or "I was having sex with my hairstylist when her boyfriend, an MMA fighter, came home". Unfortunately my stories and reasons for my misdemeanors are well documented and witnessed by many as they all occurred downtown at the bars on weekend nights.

Although my arrests were not very gangster, at least they were entertaining. For others anyways.

My first violation was a jaywalking ticket for crossing the street 10 yards from a crosswalk. There were actually two of us and we were pulled over by a squad car, sirens on, for this major offense. His car was drenched in loogies as he was writing our citations. My friend kept asking the cop if we were on Candid Camera.

Later that year I received a Drunk in Public for jumping off the front steps of a bar at closing time and yelling "brake yo self" at some friends on the sidewalk below. My defense, we watched the movie Friday before we left the house for the bars that night. You must admit that's a classic part in the movie. For that offense which should be protected by free speech, I was thrown in the back of a cop car that was sitting idle for 30 minutes (felt like 3 hours) in front of the most popular bar in town at 2:00 am. I was on display like a little puppy at the mall pet store, only I was drunk and rubbing my bare ass all over the cops back seat.

It actually gets worse. I was the recipient of a 2nd Drunk in public months later.....only this was my 21st birthday. There should be laws against that. Isn't going out on your 21st and getting completely blitzkrieged a rite of passage? Apparently it is until you wind up at the bus stop in your boxers with your jeans at your ankles. The stories from the arresting officers the following morning made me feel a little better, like I got my moneys worth. One told me they've never had such a hard time getting fingerprints from someone. Apparently I kept bending my index finger to make it look as though it was cut in half and telling them I lost it in Nam. They said I redeemed myself by showing them the thumb trick where I make my thumb look like it's separated and then reattached. This explains why I had ink all over my wrists and hands the following morning. The other (female) officer asked what I drank. After I responded with "everything", she asked if everything had pineapple in it cause I puked on her shoes.

In addition to the 3 worthless citations above, I also received an open container on my own front porch and a pissing in public. The pissing in public was the only legitimate violation as I was urinating on the bike of a parking enforcement agent while he was ticketing a car. I must admit that one felt good, for more than one reason.

Well after a couple nights in the tank, a handful of embarrassing appearances in court and 40 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I had a legitimate file at city hall. I'm still not sure which is more impressive........my rap sheet or my diploma.

Toof for the money

Toothless Checkout Clerk Wins $258 Million Powerball Jackpot

Associated Press

A Missouri man with $28.96 in his bank account won a $258 million Powerball jackpot, but says he hasn't decided yet if he'll quit his job at the convenience store where he bought the winning ticket.

Shaw said he had just $28.96 in his bank account and recently bought a 1998 Ford Ranger from a friend who agreed to let him pay off the $1,000 price $100 at a time. Now, he said, he no longer has to worry about how he'll pay his friend — or his utility bills.

I say Phillip Morris creates a thicker cigarette called the "double wide" and slaps one in that 2 toof gap. Then they can make this guy their official spokesperson in the Midwest. Kind of like the Dos Equis guy, only........

"He kills cockroaches with his armpits.....He parked two single wide mobile homes together to invent the first ever doublewide.....He can hold completely still while his 8 year old nephew shoots an Old Milwaukee can off his head.....He turned his front lawn into a parking space.....He taught celebrities how to dress as though they just climbed out of a dumpster.....When his two front teeth fell out he didn't buy a gold grill, he bought a shorter toothbrush......HE IS the white trashiest man in the world".

"I may not always smoke my cigarette between my double toof gap, but when I do... it's a Doublewide. Stay trashy my friends, stay trashy."

Fish Story

Whale capsizes canoe off Mass. coast, drowning man

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

PROVINCETOWN, Mass. -- A man canoeing in the ocean waters off Massachusetts has died after the vessel came in contact with one or more whales and capsized.

The accident occurred Wednesday morning in Cape Cod's Provincetown Harbor. A second man in the canoe survived.

The survivor told authorities that the 12-foot canoe came in contact with at least one whale that surfaced. Investigators believe it was a pod of pilot whales - or possibly dolphins.

-"or possibly dolphins"?? holy shit that's embarrassing. people pay to ride dolphins wile on vacation in Mexico.

-It's turns out it was Kirstie Alley. She was out for her daily swim. She got 30 feet from shore when she ran out of breath and tried to grab the side of the victims canoe.

Cans?

So on a day when most were driving to the beach to enjoy some sun and waves, I was heading down to the local doughnut shop to pick up a couple mexicans to help me paint my house. Instead of sun and waves I would be enjoying the smell of drakkar and a poorly groomed mustache. Apparently mexicans don't follow the same rules the rest of us follow regarding facial hair...if it needs to be penciled in you shouldn't try to grow it (see Magnum P.I., ZZ Top and anyone who's name ends in "is").

As I drive towards the doughnut shop debating whether to pick up a couple cans or honk my horn and yell "la migre", I decide I need the help. My brother is in rehab and my friends know I'm painting so my calls will be sent straight to voicemail. I start thinking about the amount of painting and sanding that needs to be done so I grab two. The 17 other illegals were practically wrestling each other to jump in my car. It looked like something out of Nacho Libre. So I take Tito and Nacho back to the house and let them know for the remainder of the day I will be referring to them as Tit and Snatch because I have trouble with the letter "o" and Snatch sounds better than Nach.

So Tit and Snatch get right to work and I quickly realize I will be getting my moneys worth. My friends would have taken twice as long and they would remind me about "the time they helped me paint" any time they needed something over the next 12 years .

I turned on my am/fm radio and allowed them to pick the station that would be the soundtrack to our day. After 9 hours of slow mexican love songs that would make even Ray J beg for Metallica, I decided it was time to call it a day.

Rather than take them straight home to their overweight wives and 7 kids, I treat them to their favorite beverage at the local watering hole. After I saw the look on their face when they realized they could order budweiser in a can, I had an internal debate; Do we call them "cans" as a shortened version of "Mexicans" or was it their love for beer in a can?

Tanginas

I have an inside source that sent me the audio clip from this photo shoot. The following is the dialogue between the two just before this picture was taken.


D.O.L (douche on left)-"Dude, do I look orange?

D.O.R. (douche on right)- "A little but just be glad you don't have red hair to clash with your orange skin. I look like Danny Bonaducci's gay uncle.

D.O.L. - "Do you think we did enough curls before the shoot?"

D.O.R. - "Do what I do and put your thumbs in your pockets like this. It will make your arms look bigger."

D.O.L. - White belts were a good call bro. Makes our junk look bigger and draws attention to all my cool finger rings and watches.

D.O.R - Is it weird that we own tanning salons in the city and we have a desert landscape behind us?

TY-lights

OK, so it's hard to clown someone who is doing good for the community......but he's doing just as much harm to the environment with the amount of AquaNet hairspray he's spraying into those golden spikes. Not to mention supporting the Juarez Cartel by snorting an ounce of cocaine before each show. How long before this guy is spotted with Andy Dick in a back alley or on Dateline's "to catch a predator" show. Somethings just not right. I put the over/under at 2 months. Takers?

Is Sunset Tan looking for a third spikey haired pumpkin? I'm sure he would be open to wearing an affliction shirt.

W.U. Alert

This weeks washed up alert is for Dennis "The Worm" Rodman. How someone can go from a Carmen Electra banging, physical specimen and freak of nature defender and rebounder to an Ed Hardy wearing celebrity rehab patient is a total travesty. I hope that's a shot of Nyquil Dennis cause it's time for bed........nighty night.

SlutHound

They say dogs and their owners look alike. If that's the case Paris Hilton should own a slutty greyhound.

Jon and his 8 on a date?

Radaronline.com was the first to report that the 32 year-old Ed Hardy devotee is now dating 25-year-old Morgan Christie, with whom he was photographed at a ski resort.

Now Fox411.com can exclusively reveal the two are living together in Utah.

Jon's latest fling hails from Greenwich, Conn., and reportedly comes from a wealthy family.

Some call it an early mid-life crisis, others say Jon's just an ass. Either way, after a ten year-marriage and eight kids, this reality TV dad is making up for lost time!

*I can't accept that this guy is pulling cute, young girls. He must have dodged the asian curse of being hung like a hamster

*All those hair plugs have gone straight too his head

Fake Hills

(FOX News)

Heidi Montag's Plastic Surgery Obesession: Is she the new Joan Rivers?

After Heidi Montag's weeks-long hiatus from the public eye (that's a long time for her), fans were beginning to wonder what had happened to the “Hills” star.

But in a new interview with People magazine, the 23-year-old star is opening up about what could be a dangerous addiction to plastic surgery.

Montag admits that on November 20 of last year, she underwent 10 surgeries in just one day. Heidi’s disturbing revelation, coupled with her new look, begs the question: Is Heidi on track to becoming the next Joan Rivers?

*For your next operation, do yourself a favor and have your lips sewn shut. Both pair. That way we don't have to hear you sing anymore and there's no chance your retarded husband can have a mini-tard.

*10 surgeries in one day? You really only need one. Have that boil (your husband) removed from your ass.