My rap sheet down at city hall in my college town is similar to the guy in a full body cast because he fell off the couch. At least the guy in the body cast can lie and make it sound cool. "I was towed into a 30 foot wave at the banzai pipeline when the barrel closed and crushed me" or "I was having sex with my hairstylist when her boyfriend, an MMA fighter, came home". Unfortunately my stories and reasons for my misdemeanors are well documented and witnessed by many as they all occurred downtown at the bars on weekend nights.
Although my arrests were not very gangster, at least they were entertaining. For others anyways.
My first violation was a jaywalking ticket for crossing the street 10 yards from a crosswalk. There were actually two of us and we were pulled over by a squad car, sirens on, for this major offense. His car was drenched in loogies as he was writing our citations. My friend kept asking the cop if we were on Candid Camera.
Later that year I received a Drunk in Public for jumping off the front steps of a bar at closing time and yelling "brake yo self" at some friends on the sidewalk below. My defense, we watched the movie Friday before we left the house for the bars that night. You must admit that's a classic part in the movie. For that offense which should be protected by free speech, I was thrown in the back of a cop car that was sitting idle for 30 minutes (felt like 3 hours) in front of the most popular bar in town at 2:00 am. I was on display like a little puppy at the mall pet store, only I was drunk and rubbing my bare ass all over the cops back seat.
It actually gets worse. I was the recipient of a 2nd Drunk in public months later.....only this was my 21st birthday. There should be laws against that. Isn't going out on your 21st and getting completely blitzkrieged a rite of passage? Apparently it is until you wind up at the bus stop in your boxers with your jeans at your ankles. The stories from the arresting officers the following morning made me feel a little better, like I got my moneys worth. One told me they've never had such a hard time getting fingerprints from someone. Apparently I kept bending my index finger to make it look as though it was cut in half and telling them I lost it in Nam. They said I redeemed myself by showing them the thumb trick where I make my thumb look like it's separated and then reattached. This explains why I had ink all over my wrists and hands the following morning. The other (female) officer asked what I drank. After I responded with "everything", she asked if everything had pineapple in it cause I puked on her shoes.
In addition to the 3 worthless citations above, I also received an open container on my own front porch and a pissing in public. The pissing in public was the only legitimate violation as I was urinating on the bike of a parking enforcement agent while he was ticketing a car. I must admit that one felt good, for more than one reason.
Well after a couple nights in the tank, a handful of embarrassing appearances in court and 40 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I had a legitimate file at city hall. I'm still not sure which is more impressive........my rap sheet or my diploma.
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