Yo Momma Been Shoppin

The Bollywood Diet

Holy Man Claims to Have Lived Without Food, Water for 70 Years
Thursday, April 29, 2010

Indian doctors are studying an 83-year-old holy man who claims to have spent the last seven decades without food and water.

Military doctors hope the experiments on Prahlad Jani can help soldiers develop their survival strategies.

The long-haired and bearded yogi is under 24-hour observation by a team of 30 specialists during three weeks of tests at a hospital in the western Indian city of Ahmedabad.

Two cameras have been set up in his room, while a mobile camera

films him when he goes outside, guaranteeing round-the-clock observation.

His body will be scanned and his brain and heart activity measured with electrodes.

"The observation from this study may throw light on human survival without food and water," said Dr. G. Ilavazahagan, who is directing the research. "This may help in working out strategies for survival during natural calamities, extreme stressful conditions and extra-terrestrial explorations like future missions to the Moon and Mars by the human race."

Since the experiment began on April 22, Jani has had no food or water and has not been to the toilet.

"The exercise of taking this yogi under the medical scanner is to understand what energy

supports his existence," Ilavazahagan added. "Jani says he meditates to get energy. Our soldiers will not be able to meditate, but we would still like to find out more about the man and his body."

Jani, who dresses in red and wears a nose ring, grew up in Charod village in the Mehsana district in Gujarat.

He claims to have been blessed by a goddess when he was 8-years-old, which has enabled him to survive without sustenance.

-He looks like the lovechild of Osama bin Laden and Mrs. Claus

-Judging by the picture, it looks like Subway already got a hold of this guy. I think he's trying to order a 5 Dollar foot-long.

-Speaking of foot-longs, American doctors are conducting their own study of an 84 year old man who's lived off nothing but scotch and viagra for 23 years......his name is Hugh Hefner.

-No crapper for 7 days, this guy is full of shit.

-Here in America we call that the Hollywood diet. Mix in some cocaine and you have the Lohan diet.

-He was "blessed by a goddess when he was 8- years-old"? Does that mean she made his snake dance? What a pimp. At 8 years old, I was still rockin my Scooby-Doo underoos.

Poopsy Daisy

5-Minute Colon Cancer Test Could Save Thousands

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A five-minute colon cancer test could reduce the number of deaths from the disease by about 40 percent, a new study says.

British researchers followed more than 170,000 people for about 11 years. Of those, more than 40,000 had a "flexi-scope" test, an exam that removes polyps, small growths that could become cancerous.

The test involves having a pen-sized tube inserted into the colon so doctors can identify and remove small polyps. Researchers used the test on people in their 50s. In the U.K., government-funded colon cancer screening doesn't start until age 60.

-I'll take a pen-sized tube over docs fingers in the 2-hole any day of the week.

-Which makes me wonder...do gay men actually like their colon screening? Maybe they would prefer docs fingers over the smaller tube. I wonder if they look at their colon screening the same way hetero men look at going to a sperm bank.

Show us your Brits

Paris Hilton's British Best Friend

Why she's so popular, she doesn't need any more friends. But that isn't stopping socialite Paris Hilton from hosting this eight-episode series in which she picks her new British ``BFF'' from among a cast of 11 women and one man.

-Paris, do us all a favor and introduce them to the sonic care toothbrush.....and a tanning booth.

-Hey D-bags from Sunset Tan, now is your chance for a comeback. You can go over with Paris and help turn the Brits orange just like you did half of L.A.

-Just once can the one male competing not be a pickle hunter. I want to see some normal guy that is just trying to bang Paris the entire show. Or at least an Asian midget or something.

-Paris can you please also teach them how to groom. No one wants to see pale white legs with a huge winter bush at the top. Looks like they have buckwheat in a leg-lock.

Time to clean up shop

Free Tools (Orange County)

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Date: 2010-04-27, 8:09PM PDT
Reply to: sale-w4ch6-1713848538@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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Looking for Tools? They are all over Orange County. Please come pick them up free of charge. They can be easily spotted by their spikey hair, orange skin and raised truck with nautical star stickers. In the event you are blind, you will still be able to spot them by the sound of their mating call...."Yo girl come spend the night with me and my mom will cook you breakfast tomorrow" or "I don't have a job, I'm training to fight in the UFC".

If they don't respond to "tool" you can try calling them by one of their other names..."D-bag", "Beefcake", "Donkey" or "Turbo".

Please come to Orange County and pick them up. You will need about 10 sixteen wheelers. They should be easy to lure towards the truck. Tell them you are not their to repo their c-class mercedes, you are starting a new mortgage company.

• Location: Orange County
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1713848538

My little pony

Pint-Sized Pinto Born in New Hampshire May Be World's Smallest Horse

FOXNews.com

A diminutive horse born in New Hampshire could lay claim to the world record for lightweight foal.

The Union Leader reported Monday that the miniature stallion, named Einstein, weighed just 6 pounds and measured 14 inches in height when he was born Friday in Barnstead, N.H.

Those proportions fit a human baby just about right but are downright tiny for a horse, even a miniature breed like Einstein.

-In other news Verne Troyer has just entered this weekends Kentucky Derby.

-What are the odds on Verne getting drunk, taking off his clothes and pissing on the horse?

-They are still deciding whether to enter the horse into the race under the name "midget missile" or "min-e biscuit".

Birthday Present - orange pajamas

My rap sheet down at city hall in my college town is similar to the guy in a full body cast because he fell off the couch. At least the guy in the body cast can lie and make it sound cool. "I was towed into a 30 foot wave at the banzai pipeline when the barrel closed and crushed me" or "I was having sex with my hairstylist when her boyfriend, an MMA fighter, came home". Unfortunately my stories and reasons for my misdemeanors are well documented and witnessed by many as they all occurred downtown at the bars on weekend nights.

Although my arrests were not very gangster, at least they were entertaining. For others anyways.

My first violation was a jaywalking ticket for crossing the street 10 yards from a crosswalk. There were actually two of us and we were pulled over by a squad car, sirens on, for this major offense. His car was drenched in loogies as he was writing our citations. My friend kept asking the cop if we were on Candid Camera.

Later that year I received a Drunk in Public for jumping off the front steps of a bar at closing time and yelling "brake yo self" at some friends on the sidewalk below. My defense, we watched the movie Friday before we left the house for the bars that night. You must admit that's a classic part in the movie. For that offense which should be protected by free speech, I was thrown in the back of a cop car that was sitting idle for 30 minutes (felt like 3 hours) in front of the most popular bar in town at 2:00 am. I was on display like a little puppy at the mall pet store, only I was drunk and rubbing my bare ass all over the cops back seat.

It actually gets worse. I was the recipient of a 2nd Drunk in public months later.....only this was my 21st birthday. There should be laws against that. Isn't going out on your 21st and getting completely blitzkrieged a rite of passage? Apparently it is until you wind up at the bus stop in your boxers with your jeans at your ankles. The stories from the arresting officers the following morning made me feel a little better, like I got my moneys worth. One told me they've never had such a hard time getting fingerprints from someone. Apparently I kept bending my index finger to make it look as though it was cut in half and telling them I lost it in Nam. They said I redeemed myself by showing them the thumb trick where I make my thumb look like it's separated and then reattached. This explains why I had ink all over my wrists and hands the following morning. The other (female) officer asked what I drank. After I responded with "everything", she asked if everything had pineapple in it cause I puked on her shoes.

In addition to the 3 worthless citations above, I also received an open container on my own front porch and a pissing in public. The pissing in public was the only legitimate violation as I was urinating on the bike of a parking enforcement agent while he was ticketing a car. I must admit that one felt good, for more than one reason.

Well after a couple nights in the tank, a handful of embarrassing appearances in court and 40 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I had a legitimate file at city hall. I'm still not sure which is more impressive........my rap sheet or my diploma.

Toof for the money

Toothless Checkout Clerk Wins $258 Million Powerball Jackpot

Associated Press

A Missouri man with $28.96 in his bank account won a $258 million Powerball jackpot, but says he hasn't decided yet if he'll quit his job at the convenience store where he bought the winning ticket.

Shaw said he had just $28.96 in his bank account and recently bought a 1998 Ford Ranger from a friend who agreed to let him pay off the $1,000 price $100 at a time. Now, he said, he no longer has to worry about how he'll pay his friend — or his utility bills.

I say Phillip Morris creates a thicker cigarette called the "double wide" and slaps one in that 2 toof gap. Then they can make this guy their official spokesperson in the Midwest. Kind of like the Dos Equis guy, only........

"He kills cockroaches with his armpits.....He parked two single wide mobile homes together to invent the first ever doublewide.....He can hold completely still while his 8 year old nephew shoots an Old Milwaukee can off his head.....He turned his front lawn into a parking space.....He taught celebrities how to dress as though they just climbed out of a dumpster.....When his two front teeth fell out he didn't buy a gold grill, he bought a shorter toothbrush......HE IS the white trashiest man in the world".

"I may not always smoke my cigarette between my double toof gap, but when I do... it's a Doublewide. Stay trashy my friends, stay trashy."

Fish Story

Whale capsizes canoe off Mass. coast, drowning man

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

PROVINCETOWN, Mass. -- A man canoeing in the ocean waters off Massachusetts has died after the vessel came in contact with one or more whales and capsized.

The accident occurred Wednesday morning in Cape Cod's Provincetown Harbor. A second man in the canoe survived.

The survivor told authorities that the 12-foot canoe came in contact with at least one whale that surfaced. Investigators believe it was a pod of pilot whales - or possibly dolphins.

-"or possibly dolphins"?? holy shit that's embarrassing. people pay to ride dolphins wile on vacation in Mexico.

-It's turns out it was Kirstie Alley. She was out for her daily swim. She got 30 feet from shore when she ran out of breath and tried to grab the side of the victims canoe.

Cans?

So on a day when most were driving to the beach to enjoy some sun and waves, I was heading down to the local doughnut shop to pick up a couple mexicans to help me paint my house. Instead of sun and waves I would be enjoying the smell of drakkar and a poorly groomed mustache. Apparently mexicans don't follow the same rules the rest of us follow regarding facial hair...if it needs to be penciled in you shouldn't try to grow it (see Magnum P.I., ZZ Top and anyone who's name ends in "is").

As I drive towards the doughnut shop debating whether to pick up a couple cans or honk my horn and yell "la migre", I decide I need the help. My brother is in rehab and my friends know I'm painting so my calls will be sent straight to voicemail. I start thinking about the amount of painting and sanding that needs to be done so I grab two. The 17 other illegals were practically wrestling each other to jump in my car. It looked like something out of Nacho Libre. So I take Tito and Nacho back to the house and let them know for the remainder of the day I will be referring to them as Tit and Snatch because I have trouble with the letter "o" and Snatch sounds better than Nach.

So Tit and Snatch get right to work and I quickly realize I will be getting my moneys worth. My friends would have taken twice as long and they would remind me about "the time they helped me paint" any time they needed something over the next 12 years .

I turned on my am/fm radio and allowed them to pick the station that would be the soundtrack to our day. After 9 hours of slow mexican love songs that would make even Ray J beg for Metallica, I decided it was time to call it a day.

Rather than take them straight home to their overweight wives and 7 kids, I treat them to their favorite beverage at the local watering hole. After I saw the look on their face when they realized they could order budweiser in a can, I had an internal debate; Do we call them "cans" as a shortened version of "Mexicans" or was it their love for beer in a can?