Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I smell Phish

Men, stop shaving your face. Women, stop shaving your armpits (and legs). Children, stay away from mom and dad's brownies...Phish is coming to town. The countdown is on. Less than 2 weeks before grown men and women reeking of patchouli oil and butt sweat, congregate in hippie towns across the U.S.. They will be dancing as though their arms are 2 foot long pasta noodles, eyes closed and a grin that says "this bandana is way too tight, and so are my clothes, I need to be naked".

It's amazing that a band all about peace and love can generate such hostility from non-followers. Their cult like following is the target of so many sarcastic comments, like mine above and the poster below...













There are some bands that everyone must see once in their lifetime, and Phish is one of those bands. Whether you like the music or just want to see people of all ages and occupations lose their minds (and often pride) for one day, it will be well worth the price of admission. Mushrooms, weed and laser light shows are the winning combination for some of the best people watching you'll see in your lifetime.
















Some other things you're sure to see at a Phish show are; signs requesting songs, white guys that can jam but can't dance, and JAY-Z rapping with the band?? Jay-Z has 99 problems but a Phish ain't one.

So gas up the Volkswagen van and head for Berkeley. The first show is less than 2 weeks away. If you don't get a chance to shower between now and then, no worries, this year's Phish tour will be sponsored by Lever 2000 and Febreze.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Eva Kneivel

Naked woman steals car, escapes police, steals cop car, gets tasered

Two car chases, a totaled police cruiser and an extended foot pursuit of a naked woman through sagebrush finally ended with a Taser being used to subdue her.

No, it was not a typical call for the West Valley Police Department.

“A man was outside his vehicle on [State Road] 111 putting up home business signs when this woman pulled up next to him, got out of her vehicle, naked, and stole his car and drove off,” said West Valley City police Capt. Tom McLachlan.

Initially, the report was filed with police in neighboring West Jordan at about 5 a.m. Tuesday.

The man called 911, hopped behind the wheel of the woman’s abandoned car and gave chase, northbound on State Road 111 and into West Valley City. She left the highway and veered onto a dirt road leading into a field owned by Alliant Technologies, got stuck and then fled on foot into the brush.

West Valley police, assisted by Alliant security, scoured the rugged sagebrush and grasslands for their suspect, described as 5-foot-5, 120 to 130 pounds, thin and with reddish-brown hair.

“Of course, there was no clothing description available,” McLachlan said.

A West Valley officer soon spotted the woman hiding behind a bush, and as he approached, a second officer arrived in his squad car. She refused to surrender, and as the officers moved in she broke away — and hopped behind the wheel of the cruiser, speeding away in a cloud of dust and dragging the officers a short distance before they let go.

Neither officer was seriously hurt and the chase resumed, with the woman driving the police car through a fence gate and then hitting a dirt berm when she missed a curve. “She was airborne about 50 feet before crashing into another berm,” McLachlan said.

The woman, slightly bloodied, fled the ruined squad car and streaked into the weeds again, chased on foot by the two officers.

When she tried to double back toward the highway, at one point wriggling through a barbed wire fence, other officers were waiting for her.

“She was not obeying commands to stop, cease and desist, anything,” McLachlan said, adding an officer finally stunned her with his Taser when the woman appeared to be making another break.

-Finally, a schmuck promoting a home based business is the one getting ripped off. Let me guess, your making so much money working from home that you've decided to post signs along the freeway in B.F.E. to help others join your circle of wealth. I'll bet she earns more making license plates in the clink.

-Police got a chance to test the new model NPL3000 Taser gun. This gun was designed specifically for female suspects. It shoots two nipple clamps packed with 3000 volts of electricity. They were very happy with the performance until the naked suspect shit herself and they had to clean her up.

-Driving a car naked, and going airborne for 50 feet? Is she Evel Knievel's slutty niece?

-After all this she got out of the car and ran off, only to climb a barbed wire fence? Lady, do you know how much money you could be making as a coyote, helping Mexicans cross the border?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Peak - a - BOOBS



















Proof once again that everything should come with instructions.

Maybe she's a fan of Kriss Kross and wears her jeans and bathing suits backwards.

Good thing it's not a G-string or we may have a moose knuckle sighting.

She's probably thinking "Oh damn my titties fell out again, but they look pretty good all pressed up together. Maybe I'll leave it and see if anyone notices."

You better throw some sunscreen on those bad boys honey, you don't want to burn your chesticles.

One Eyed Pickle Hunter

Repeat Offender Gets Life in Jail After Mississippi Bra Theft

Published June 25, 2010

| FOXNews.com

The theft of bras from a local department store was enough for a judge in Mississippi to put a habitual criminal from a neighboring state behind bars -- for life, MyFoxMemphis.com reported.

Miss. police were called after a Kohl’s store employee caught Darnell Wilson stuffing clothes into a garbage bag. Wilson reportedly said the stolen clothes, including bras, were going to be used for his job in Memphis.

"He explained that he was a prostitute – a transvestite prostitute," said Desoto County District Attorney Smithe Murphey.

This wasn’t Wilson’s first run-in with the law. He has a long criminal history, including 18 arrests involving charges for aggravated robbery, kidnapping, and sexual battery in Tennessee, MyFoxMemphis reported.

Murphey used Mississippi’s strict habitual offender law, which allows prosecutors to combine Mississippi felony arrests with those in other states to define the accused as a habitual offender, to put Wilson behind bars for three consecutive life sentences.

"Each community sets their standards," said Murphey. "And we have standards that we're not going to tolerate 18 time convicted felons to keep walking around without any repercussions."

Wilson had led police in a car chase following the Kohl’s theft. They had to use spike strips to blow out his car tires in order to stop and arrest him.

-He looks like a taller version of the midget from The Ghetto Boys...Bushwick Bill?

-Hey you toothless, drunk, horny old men in Mississippi...what's the going rate for a one-eyed tranny with receding corn rows?

-Wait until the boys at the Mississippi prison find out why he's serving 3 life terms. Stealing bras at Kohl's. Talk about being someone's little bitch, but maybe that was his plan from the beginning. Begs the question...is this punishment or a reward for Darnell?

-It's scary to think there's hooker buying pervs out there that probably think Darnell is just a really ugly bitch, until he can no longer keep his junk tucked. Talk about a shitty surprise. I wonder how many guys out there have hooked up with a tranny and never knew. Then there's those that were probably past the point of no return and just rolled with it..... ewww.....I just threw up in my mouth.

-Pirates are in. Put a parrot on his shoulder and cast him in a pirate porn. Pirates of the Caribbean IV... One Eyed Tranny and His Black Clam...Starring Orlando Poon.



Monday, June 21, 2010

People Watching

















One of my favorite past times is people watching (P.W.) and Summer is the season for some of the finest people watching our country has to offer. It's the rawest form of reality TV. Some of my favorite places to P.W. are beach boardwalks, amusement parks and the gym. I go to the gym to watch Sportscenter and laugh at all the turbos, not to pop zits on my back and stare at myself in a mirror while curling. Sometimes I people watch just to remind myself that I am normal. Sometimes I people watch with dark glasses on so the people (a.k.a. cougars and young nuggets) I'm watching can't tell I'm looking at them. This is also know as stalking. The Holy Grail of people watching is a window seat at a bar near a major walkway. This can quickly turn interactive as the heckling is sure to follow my 4th glass of whiskey. Considering the amount of time I spend people watching (OK drinking) I figured I should share some of the amazing things I witness with you. Each week I will post a list of all the amazing things I see for you to envision and enjoy.

Here's a quick preview...
Yesterday I saw an overweight Pakistani man wearing a Tapout hat. Not sure what's better, seeing an overweight middle eastern guy or the fact that this beer bellied, middle eastern gangster, rocks a flat bill. Maybe he didn't even know what the bill was. After all, this is probably the first hat he's ever owned with a bill. Turbans don't have bills. The kicker was his wife and her Def Leppard beanie.

Keep an eye out for my weekly PWPs (People Watching Posts) in the weeks to come.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Ya Fired!

Utah Death Row Inmate Who Requested Execution by Firing Squad Appeals to Supreme Court to Stay Sentence

Published June 15, 2010

SALT LAKE CITY — A Utah death row inmate who specifically requested execution by firing squad now is appealing to the Supreme Court to stay the sentence, scheduled to be carried out on Friday.

Gardner, 49, was sentenced to death for a 1985 capital murder conviction stemming from the fatal courthouse shooting of attorney Michael Burdell during an escape attempt. Gardner was at the court because he faced a murder charge in the shooting death of bartender Melvyn Otterstrom.

Utah Assistant Attorney General Thomas Brunker said the state will oppose any further delays of the execution.

All things considered, Gardner is holding up pretty well, his attorney (Andrew Parnes) said Tuesday.

"He is handling this as well as can be expected. ... He's in good spirits given the situation," Parnes said.


-If you would like to set a world record for T.V. ratings, here are my suggestions

1. Broadcast the event live on Pay-per-view

2. Have a celebrity firing squad. Below are some perfect candidates...

-O.J. Simpson

-Val Kilmer (dressed as Doc Holiday in Tombstone)

-Donald Trump yelling "hey Ronnie, ya fired" before each shot

-Lil Wayne

-Betty White with an AK-47 and bullets draped across her chest like Rambo.

3. Set it up like a carnival. Place ceramic cups and targets all over his body with points awarded for each target hit.


Monday, June 14, 2010

Wiggin out











Justin Bieber….Teen heart throb….R&B Sensation…… Every barbers nightmare. Where do his sideburns start and end? Are his eyebrows connected to his bangs? Is he the love child of Lloyd Christmas and Ellen DeGeneres?

The fact of the matter is millions of teens, mothers and gay men will flock to stadiums and arenas around the country this summer to watch this little hair-pie perform.

It started with New Kids on the Block and Snow. White boys with zero rhythm that confirmed the theory that white men can’t dance (or jump). Since then Eminem and Justin Timberlake have been accepted into the hip-hop world and salvaged the idea that some white people do have rhythm. Justin, don’t reverse the last 5 years of progress. If you mess this one up we will tell everyone your Canadian and not officially one of us, so it doesn’t count.

Enjoy the ride you little wigger, cause as soon as you hit puberty and your testes drop, all the love will come to a screeching (no pun intended) hault. We will trade you back to Canada for a case of maple syrup and a sixer of Labatt's Blue, before you can say "what's that all aboot?"