Throw back-side

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the rivalry between the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics? A rich history of great basketball? Maybe. Magic versus Bird? Sure. Championship rings and parades? Absolutely. But for me there are 3 totally different images that come to mind.......

Butt-hugger shorts, tube socks and the NBA's greatest ever mullet and mustache combo. Can you imagine today's players driving down the lane in Daisy Duke shorts? Scary thought. Even scarier to think of Lebron out on a fast break, soaring through the air in a Jordan-esque spread eagle pose for a dunk. Nike's slogan for Lebron James is "I am a Witness". Sorry Lebron, but I would prefer not to witness you mid air with your Alabama Black Snake peaking out of the bottom of your shorts.

I have a suggestion for David Stern and the NBA. If you need some help with the female and gay demographics, have teams wear TRUE throw back uniforms a couple times each year. You can have each player come out of the tunnel to "It's raining men" led by a shirtless Reggie Miller with his sun around the belly tattoo (see "Time to Do Work Sun" post below).

Sorry. This post just took a turn for the worse. Time to move on.....

Phil er' up

Child Caught Drinking Out of Beer Bottle at Phillies Game

Published June 08, 2010

MyFoxPhilly.com

June 6: Young child caught on camera drinking out of a beer bottle at a Philadelphia Phillies game.

A young child was caught on camera drinking from a beer bottle at a Philadelphia Phillies baseball game Sunday, MyFoxPhilly.com reported.

Video of the unidentified child surfaced on Monday after the Phillies lost to the Padres on Sunday.

In two video shots taken from an official game broadcast, the blonde child is seen with a plastic beer bottle in his right hand, drinking from the bottle.

The child appears to be between three and four years old, and is also wearing a white Phillies home jersey.

Once the clips leaked out on the Internet, it set off another round of Phillies – and Philadelphia – bashing.

“Phillies fans are an illustrious bunch. In the past year, they have vomited, prostituted and been Tasered. Now it appears that childhood drinking can be added to the list,” said the Huffington Post blog.

“Drinking beers at 4-years-old, forced vomiting on people by age 21. Who would allow a toddler to drink a beer, at $9 a bottle, I’m keeping that beer to myself,” said another blogger on Ted Williams Head.com.

The latest incident at the Phillies home ball park comes after two nationally publicized confrontations, where one fan vomited on six people, while another fan had to be Tasered by Philadelphia police on camera.

-Nice form

-How irresponsible can you be as a parent? Get the kid a bib.

-He's going to get a sunburn. He needs a hat. Preferably a Phillies hard hat with a beer bottle on each side and straws going down to his mouth.

-Little man was spotted at Scores Gentleman's Club after the game. He was dumping his piggy bank on stage and yelling "I'm making it rain bitches".

Pale is the new Tan

As an Irish-American I'm glad to see the cast of Twilight is bringing back pale. Actually I'm not sure that pale was ever in, but it seems to finally be making a name for itself, and one that isn't only associated with carrot top and the tourist from Wisconsin who ends up looking like a walking radish after his first day in Hawaii.


Sorry Wisconsin. If it's any constellation, I was unable to participate in a couples massage with my dark skinned counterpart on day 2 of a recent trip to Maui. She told me to "wear something a little stronger than SPF15" on our first day that consisted of 11 Mai Tai's and 6 straight hours in the sun. My response....I'm the king of the Irish Tan (a slight burn that turns into a tan 2 days later). Call me crazy, but a massage with hot lava rocks didn't sound good to a red skinned leprechaun.

Sorry for the side story, my combination of A.D.D. and Jameson rocks just kicked in. Back to Eclipse. With the official Hollywood premiere of Eclipse slated for June 24th, it's perfectly timed to help get me through another summer of lathering myself up in SPF 50 (AKA Primer) without the usual embarrassment.

This post is merely a thank you to the cast for not allowing the cast of The Jersey Shore to put us through another summer of shaved chests, spray tanning and enough hair gel to kill a small family.

CHEERS.... you pasty gangsters....CHEERS

Time to Do Work SUN

In recognition of the NBA Finals I would like to nominate a former NBA player and current broadcaster to the list of worst tattoos ever (Ink that Stinks).

This tattoo is the male equivalent of a tramp stamp. It's bad enough it's around your belly, but a sun? I hear he's a fan of Rob & Big. Maybe he got this tattoo so he can look down when he wakes up in the morning and say "It's Time to Do Work Sun."

I know Reggie has a home near the beach in Malibu, where this photo was taken. I picture him cruising down the coast, shirtless, top down on his convertible PT Cruiser, blasting Cheryl Crow..."I'm gonna soak up the sun". Not sure what's worse, your tat or the limp wristed walk like an Egyptian strut in this picture.

Reggie's sister, Cheryl Miller, is also a former pro basketball player and current NBA broadcaster, but she has always been a little more manly than Reggie. Actually, she's a little more manly than most men. I wonder if she has a tattoo across her upper back of a hawk carrying a dead pig.

In the event you have decided you must have a tattoo in the area around your belly button, I would like to offer up some ideas for some less feminine designs that would work perfectly in that space.

1. A picture of your sister
2. Elmo
3. The word "MoM" with your belly button as the "o"
4. Baby Garter snake
5. Uranus

Better yet, just put in a belly button ring with a solar powered blinking light that is only on during the daytime.

I really hope you look at this list and it hits you that your tattoo is even gayer than number 1-5

Sweet Jesus Reggie! It's time to man up. As a member of the Ink that Stinks club, I am offering to pay for the laser removal of your tattoo. If you decide you can't live without your tat, then my offer will change to a new tattoo of a bull's eye around your ass.

Turd Burglar

Wisconsin man accused of trying to steal dirty diapers gets 30 months probation

Published June 05, 2010

| Associated Press

STEVENS POINT, Wis. (AP) — An Amherst man accused of trying to steal dirty diapers from a home has been sentenced to 30 months of probation. Dillon Makuski, 20, was convicted of possession of burglary tools. The Stevens Point Journal reports Makuski also must serve 200 hours of community service and undergo a psycho-sexual examination.

Makuski was detained by the homeowner after entering an Amherst home last September. A Portage County sheriff's deputy found six dirty diapers in Makuski's pockets.

The complaint said Makuski entered the house because he likes to wear diapers and thought there might be some in the house.

According to the complaint, when asked whether he intended to steal dirty diapers, Makuski said "yes."

-Stealing dirty diapers? Man, that's a shitty thing to do.

-This story raises a hole mess of questions (get it "hole mess")

1. Why would the homeowner complain? Isn't he doing you a favor by getting the stink out of your house?

2. How does a 20 year old fit into a diaper?

3. Why does this stuff only happen in the mid-west?

4. (a question from my Ugandan friend in the video below) Does he eat the poo poo?

-Before I forget, the last line in this story is journalism at it's finest.

This little piggy scares me

Conn. Officer Arrested in Genitals Photo Case

Published June 03, 2010

| Associated Press

STAMFORD, Conn. -- A Connecticut police officer has been arrested on a misdemeanor charge for allegedly showing a female motorist a cell phone picture of his genitals during a traffic stop.

Stamford Officer Paul Mabey, who was named the city's "Officer of the Year" in 2006, was charged with disorderly conduct Wednesday and released on a promise to appear in Superior Court at a later date. He was suspended with pay on Friday.

Police say a 26-year-old Norwalk woman came forward last week with allegations that Mabey made inappropriate passes at her and showed her the cell phone picture during a traffic stop on May 26.

The 40-year-old Mabey couldn't be reached for comment Thursday. There's no phone listing for him. The 14-year police veteran is married with a baby.

-This is confusing, so the pig showed her his hog?

-The woman did not know what the picture was until the officer asked if she wanted to come to his car and use his doughnuts to play ring toss.

-What I would pay for the audio of that conversation...."Maam you just blew through that stop sign back there, and now it's time to blow me, but first I'm going to show you a picture of my night stick. I'm going to need to see your license, registration and the junk in your trunk."

PooGanda

It's amazing how an accent can make you sound so intelligent even when discussing "eating da poo poo like ice cream".