The Sac is Half Full

Teenager Has Testicle Amputated After 'Tapping' Game

Friday, May 28, 2010

A Minnesota teenager had to have his testicle amputated after being punched in the groin by a classmate, KARE11.com reported Friday.

David Gibbons, 14, was changing classes in his Crosby, Minn. high school when he was attacked by another student playing a game called “sack tapping.”

David’s mother, Christy Gibbons, said it wasn’t until hours later that they realized something was wrong.

"One o'clock in the morning he woke me up and told me he was in excruciating pain," she said.

David was taken to St. Joseph's Hospital in Brainerd, Minn. where surgeons removed his right testicle.

And David is not the only student who has suffered the consequences of the “sack tapping” game.

"It's just gotten way out of control," said Dr. Scott Wheeler, a urologist in Brainerd, Minn. who says he performs three to four surgeries a year on boys with ruptured testicles and other complications as a result of “sack tapping.”

"All parents, you need to have this talk with your kids not to do it. It's lost its humor. It's not a game anymore. People get hurt," he added.

-Poor bastard, this is probably the first time he's ever busted a nut.

-Hey kid look at the bright side....when you finally lose your virginity, it will take you twice as long to bust a nut. Instead of 4 seconds you will now last 8 and be the man on campus. You will also be able to save money by purchasing smaller underwear, jockstraps and cups.....AND that girl in Science class with the really small mouth and braces is now easier to teabag.

-What will your nickname be at school....Twig and Berry? One ball wonder? Half-Sac? Just be glad your name isn't 2pac. He was shot in the groin and ended up with one nut.....1pac.

-You keep good company. You've joined a prestigous club that boasts the world's best athlete, the world's best rapper and the world's strongest man. Lance Armstrong, Tupac Shakur and Arnold Schwarzenegger....Unicycle, Uniballer and the beefcake who wore a Unitard. So don't look at it as though your sac is half empty....cause it is half full my friend.

Break yo self, Hands off my Sizzler coupons

80-Year-Old Chicago Man Kills Armed Home Invader

Published May 26, 2010

| FOXNews.com

n 80-year-old Chicago man shot and killed an armed man who broke into his two-story house in a pre-dawn home invasion Wednesday on the city's West Side.

At about 5:20 a.m., the homeowner and his wife, also in her 80s, discovered the intruder entering their home through a back door. The homeowner, who had a gun, confronted and killed the burglar on the doorstep, police said. Cops said the intruder also fired his gun during the struggle.

"It's a good thing they had a gun, or they might be dead," said Curtis Thompson, who lives next door to the couple, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

Neighbors described the elderly couple, who both walk with canes, as pillars of the community in Garfield Park, where home invasions have been all too frequent.

Their neighbor, Shaquite Johnson, told MyFoxChicago that the two are "heroes" for fighting off the attacker — and that the shooting means there is "one less criminal" walking the streets.
"They don't bother no one, so why would anyone do that to them?" she said.

-That's pretty OG to have a cane in one hand and a gun in the other.

-The intruder had a gun too?....How worthless of a burglar can you be to get outdrawn by an 80 year old man with a cane. Old man probably had to pop in his teeth, reach into the waist-band of his depends, pull out his gun and get his arthritic fingers to squeeze hard enough to pull the trigger....and he still got his shot off before you.

Jacked-pot

Pa. man who had banned himself from casino hits $2,001 jackpot, but must forfeit it

Associated Press

ERIE, Pa. (AP) — A Pennsylvania man who won a $2,001 slot machine jackpot must forfeit the winnings and will be charged with trespassing, because he had previously banned himself from casinos under a state program for problem gamblers.

State police have not identified the 55-year-old Waterford Township man who won the jackpot Friday at Erie's Presque Isle Downs & Casino.

Under the Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board's self-exclusion program, problem gamblers can choose to ban themselves from casinos for one year, five years or for life. Banned players are charged with criminal trespass if they enter a casino and must forfeit any winnings. The money goes to a compulsive and problem gambler treatment fund.

-We are all guilty of this so don't judge. Here's why.....

Every Sunday I wake up feeling like I have been tackled by Lawrence Taylor and my breath smells like I've been eating out of the cat box. I look down to find I'm still wearing my jeans, wallet still in the back pocket and I've been sweating so hard I think I pissed the bed. It's called a hangover, or in my case Sunday. I swear off drinking forever......OK at least until Thursday. Then my friends show up with a case of beer and a breakfast burrito. Of course I saddle up. The difference between me and the poor bastard who won the jackpot is that nobody comes running into my house to steal my beer because I swore it off just minutes earlier.

Is that you?

Tell me the guy on the left with the salad bowl on his head is not Lebron James...

Maybe if you spent less time letting your boy play the arm guitar your team would be in the NBA Finals.

A challenge to Disneyland

"It's a Small World" originated with the 1964 New York World's Fair. After the fair closed, the ride was transferred to Disneyland and officially opened in 1966. The ride features 400 brightly costumed audio-animatronic dolls in the style of children of the world, frolicking in a spirit of international unity, and singing the ride's title track, which has a theme of global peace. 44 years later here we are. Same old ride but a whole new world that begs the question where's the updated "It's an F'd up world" ride located in Disneyland Walt?

Please allow me to update your Small World ride with a more realistic picture of just how small the world we live in today really is. I have outlined below the changes that need to be made to several of the scenes. I've also included a modified version of the song. Enjoy.

Suggestion #1....Mexico- I think it's fairly obvious that the women in this scene are far too skinny to be realistic. The men are not dealing cocaine and the dogs are not stray. I didn't see one donkey, a cockfight or a runny nosed child trying to sell me "Cheek-Lay". You couldn't have missed this one by more if you switched it with Pakistan. At least then they would have mustaches. Please put the USA and Mexico adjacent to each other. Have a scene depicting men, women and children jumping a large fence with border patrol chasing them in SUVs. You should allow a couple of them to make it over the fence to the USA scene where they can be shown mowing lawns of wealthy families and selling oranges near major freeway onramps.

Suggestion #2....Ireland- Come to think of it I don't remember seeing Ireland, but if I did they definitely were not sitting in barstools or throwing up behind the local pub. That has to change ASAP. You should also include a scene with a drunken leprechaun with his pants at his ankles and drinking a Guiness while giving it to a sheep.

Suggestion #3...Thailand- This scene should have a 3:1 White man to Thai woman ratio. You can show dirty white men getting $3 massages, looking for 13 year old girls and getting sucked off by trannys.

Suggestion #4....Africa- This scene will be divided into two sections, land and water. On the land the tallest men will be playing basketball in loin cloths in hopes that they will be discovered by the white man. The other African men will be shooting guns in the air and looking for diamonds. In the water scene a group of little somalian pirates will spot us, jump into an inflatable boat and head out towards us in attempt to board our boat.


I understand that we are in a recession and spending money to update this ride may not be in the cards so I will offer one less expensive, quick fix option. Pass out a joint and glock to each person over the age of 9 as they board their vessel on this miserable excursion. As we pass each country you can hand out a snack that's indegenous to that region as well as the national beer or liquor of that country. Targets can be placed on each little person for us to shoot at and receive points to be totaled at the end of the ride. The person with the highest point total will receive a bottle of Jack Daniels and a job with the LAPD. By the end of the ride you can have a mini us coast guard boat come in through the exit tunnel and hand out life preservers and save us drunken stoned tourists from drowning.


New Song

It's a cold world after all, It's a cold world after all, It's a cold world after all
It's a cold....hard.... world.

It's a world of sex and a world of drugs
A world of terrorists and big black thugs

There's so much to fear
that we drink lots of beer
I think the end is near

It's a cold world after all, It's a cold world after all, It's a cold world after all
It's a cold....hard.... world.

It's a world of greed and a world of porn
Where every 3 seconds another mexican is born
There's too many religions to keep track
Our president is black
It's time to drop a bomb on Iraq

Absolut Abduction

Russian Governor Claims He Was Abducted by Aliens

The governor of a Russian republic and former president of the World Chess Federation told a TV station that he had been abducted by aliens, who communicated with him telepathically.

The Russian government apparently believes him.

Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, the governor of Kalmykia, told a popular Russian television host that the aliens came for him in his apartment on September 18, 1997. According to a report on ABC News, Ilyumzhinov said that the aliens didn’t make themselves known to the rest of the world because they weren’t ready, adding that he communicated with them telepathically because there wasn’t enough oxygen.

“I believe I talked to them and saw them. I perhaps wouldn’t believe it if it wasn’t for 3 witnesses -- my driver, my minister and my assistant,” who were apparently in the apartment at the time, he reportedly said.

According to a report on Russian news website GZT.ru, State Duma deputy Andrei Lebedev doesn’t believe that the governor was simply shown around the alien spaceship and released. Lebedev wants to find out what else happened to the president -- and he wants Russian president Dmitry Medvedev to interrogate the abductee.

Russian officials fear Ilyumzhinov may have given the aliens “secret information,” according to the Echo of Moscow radio station.

-I'm confused. This guy is Asian. Was he drinking vodka or sake at the time of the abduction? More importantly...How were the aliens able to telepathically penetrate that force field hair-helmet he's wearing?

Happy Seis De Mayo! ASS-CLOWN

Gangster of Love

College Coed Shot for Refusing to Give Man Her Phone Number

FOXNews.com

A Washington, D.C., college student claims she was shot by a man for refusing to give him her phone number, MyFoxDC.com reports.

The woman, whose identity has not been released, reportedly told police that she was leaving a party in southeast Washington early Sunday when the man approached her and asked for her phone number.

"He told my cousin he was going to shoot at us if I didn't give him my number and then he started shooting," the woman reportedly told authorities.

The student was struck by a bullet in her ankle, the station reports, and surgeons are deciding how to remove it.

-Bo Gustar has just received the exclusive video footage from the above referenced incident. Please see the first 1 minute and 20 seconds of the video below.